Well, Captain America is Screwed.

No, there is no way this poster is official in any way whatsoever. It’s fan made, and I ripped it off of Topless Robot, but damn if this isn’t the closest thing we are going to get to awesome in the upcoming Captain America movie. It’s been hyped and followed, with rabid Cap fans coming out of the woodwork to drool over casting choices and any kind of updates they’ll toss our way. But we’re all missing the big picture here. And that is that this movie is doomed. DOOOOOMED! And here’s why:

1. The Captain’s film history so far does not bode well.

Whether it’s in the lackadaisical 70’s TV movies, featuring Captain America in a motorcycle helmet for a mask and tossing around a plastic shield, or the 90’s straight to video abomination that’s basically known only as the movie too awful to release in theaters, this just hasn’t been Cap’s territory. He’s a colorful character, and a boyscout to boost. And neither of these things are going for him.

It’s not like Superman, a character who is universally and instantly recognized as a superhero fighting for the American Way. Captain America is at once a more obvious character (as in Captain Obvious America) and cryptic. He’s not so universally known. And those who know him equate him with old fashioned. Plain and simple, he’s one of the most dated personalities around. And it’s going to hurt him in the long run.

2. Joe Johnston.

One of my favorite internet critics, the Cinema Snob, put it best while reviewing director Joe Johnston’s latest film, The Wolfman. It went along the lines of, “the phrase ‘I’m a huge Joe Johnston fan’ have never been uttered on this Earth.”

Now, the man is a pretty good guy, I’m sure. And he does have the credit of working on the original Star Wars trilogy as an FX tech. But his resume is not making me comfortable. Johnston is the man responsible for directing such stinkers as Jurassic Park 3 and Hildago. And his better films are all kids movies! Jumanji, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, The Rocketeer, all decent movies I suppose, but all are aimed at 12 year olds. The First Avenger: Captain America is going to be a WWII film, you know? With Nazi’s and a dude whose head is a skull? I just don’t want it to look like a fucking cartoon this time.

3. Chris Evans.

Sorry fanboys, but this is not going to go well. I know everyone was really holding their breath over this one, but the ever smug Chris Evans should not be playing Captain America. A) He’s already the Human Torch, and I hate hate hate it when the same actor is playing different dudes in the same film universe. Point is, he’s already taken. B) The man cannot headline a film. Evans is a decent actor, especially when he’s playing in an ensemble cast. He’s good in Sunshine, Danny Boyle’s overlooked sci fi film, he’s featured in movies like Push, and upcoming in this year’s The Losers, but you’ll notice he’s always in the crowd, in the background even. What’s even worse is knowing this means the movie will now have dozens of gratuitous scenes where Captain America isn’t wearing a shirt. I swear, if I have to see this guy in a fucking towel, I’m going to lose it. Lose it!

4. Bucky Barnes.

Seriously? Fucking Bucky’s going to be in this thing? Why? If film adaptations of comic books have taught us nothing else, it’s that we don’t care about the sidekicks. Especially the likes of Bucky over here. And especially in the main hero’s first film outing. And it’s not even like Bucky is all that well known. Again, Captain America is not as universal as we (ahem) Americans think he is. Cap and Bucky just don’t come together in people’s minds like Batman and Robin, or even Yogi Bear and Boo Boo for shit’s sake. At least they didn’t cast Shia Lebouf for it. Then shit would’ve gotten really ugly.

5. The movie itself, as we know it.

Let’s review some other known facts. The two screenwriters are the guys who brought us the Chronicles of Narnia movies. And nothing else! Shit. The synopsis says that Steve Rogers (aka Cap) is developed into a super soldier, but then deployed as a USO clown, hence the colorful costume. Sigh. Incredible Hulk director Louis Leterrier offered his services, but Marvel turned him down. Sorry Louie, Joe Johnston’s got this one. Take it away Joe!

There you have it. Over a year from theaters, and this one’s already in the toilet. Oh well, at least he’s not fighting the teabaggers.

That would be really silly, right? Right? Guys?

-Charlie

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Filed under Comic Books Are Awesome, Films I've Watched, Uncategorized

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