What Happened To Benson?

I’m sorry. This post has nothing to do with movies, music, books or games. It has nothing to do with common sense or a personal regard for life either. This has to do with a fish.

A dead fish.

A really really big dead fish.

By now, if you listen to the prattling idiot box we call news, you know the name of Benson, the 64 pound carp that died in the U.K. last week. This fish was the pride of the anglers community in merry ol’ England, a main attraction that drew fishermen and women (I hope) from across Europe so they could catch it.

That’s right, Benson was the world’s most famous torture victim, a fine example of cruelty and horror that made those fucking wankers smile with delight every time they hooked her, she was a lady fish, and brought her out of the water, over 60 times in her life.

Now I don’t really want to rant about the mean people taking advantage of poor Benson, that’s not the point. It’s over. The thing is dead. But NOW people are outraged, claiming that Benson was Muuurdered or something. They want to investigate the poor fucker’s death like an episode of CSI. Geee… What could have possibly killed Benson?

Suspect Number One: Tony Bridgefoot. The man who groomed Benson for stardom by overfeeding the thing until it was 60 pounds. The normal, i.e. healthy, weight of the fish is approximately 6 to 10 pounds. So Benson was the equivalent of a 800-900 pound man. Think that sounds good for the fishy heart?

Suspect Two: Every single person that ever caught Benson. Imagine, if you will, you are an unhealthily over weight individual. Then someone beats the living shit out of you and proceeds to suffocate you for minutes at a time so they can take a fucking picture. Imagine that happens 60 times or more. How long are you going to last? How many times can you take that beating? How about if I put a hook in your mouth and drag you around your house for sport? Who killed Benson? You did, you fucking pigs. Water boarding? A major no no, unless it’s the world’s biggest fish that is.

Basically, what they did to Benson while it was alive was stupid and pointless. But people have managed to out do themselves again, with an even more stupid and pointless murder investigation. It never ceases to amaze me. And now, for your consideration, Please examine these mug shots and tell me if you recognize the man who killed Benson.

And now, the victim in happier times…


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