I Couldn’t Have Said It Better Myself

You know what job I want? The guy who writes the movie synopsis on the back of the box. My favorite part of renting movies or buying old tapes at flea markets is reading those whacked out plot summaries and the explosive adjectives that accompany them. And I’m not talking about those little pussy whipped Netflix paragraphs either. “So and so was nominated for an Oscar… beloved classic. ” Blah!! Give me puns, give me over the top excitement. I want this movie summary to kick my ass and rock my world.

Now, for those who know me, you know I am currently obsessed with Laserdiscs. Yes, that’s right. The now obsolete but oh so awesome discs that look like CDs, are as big as LPs, and require flipping the disc halfway through. Why these didn’t live on is a mystery, but safe to say, it’s been my pleasure seeking out these forgotten relics of the 80’s and 90’s. But the best part might just be the movie descriptions on back, Hell, on front of the cover. So I give you the best movie summaries in my Laserdisc collection.

This week it’s Steven Seagal classics. I just about completed my Seagal collection this week, so let’s not waste anymore time. These descriptions will be verbatim. I couldn’t make these up.

Steven Seagal is …  Above The Law

Chicago cop Nico Toscani is on to something big. Too big. Suspects collared in a recent drug raid are allowed to walk. And Nico himself is asked to turn in his badge.

He’s off the force, but not out of the action. Because Nico has a message for ex-CIA operatives trafficking drugs…and plotting a political assassination. They think they’re Above the Law. But they’re not above his.

Steven Seagal makes his sensational screen debut as Nico, smashing his way into the top ranks of contemporary action heroes. The tall, magnetic Seagal draws on his own experiences as a worldwide security expert and bodyguard to heads of state to give Above the Law the gut-level wallop of today’s headlines. And he uses the whirlwind skills of his 6th degree Akido black belt mastery to deliver action that beats the daylight out of most on screen brawls.

Action speaks louder than words. But action fans know there are a few words that say plenty: Eastwood. Stallone. Schwarzenegger. Norris. And now Seagal, “a one man lethal weapon.”

Steven Seagal is … Hard to Kill

A corrupt California politician and his hit men have gunned down Mason Storm and left him for dead. But they’ll find out the hard way. Storm is Hard to Kill.

The star of the get tough action hit Above the Law is back, and he’s tougher than ever! Steven Seagal plays Los Angeles detective Mason Storm. For seven years, Storm’s been hidden away in a coma-care unit. But now he’s awake and he has one thing on his mind: Revenge.

Storm’s first battle, however, is with himself. Assisted by a devoted nurse, he prepares for the fight ahead. He fires round after round to sharpen his eye. Renews his martial arts skills in rugged training sessions. And uses Oriental healing arts to regain his strength. Then he sets out to even the score, once and for all.

Seagal also reveals another talent, combining the cutting down of bad guys with cuttingly funny one liners. With hard hitting heroics and humor, Hard to Kill is hard to beat.

His battle to save the Alaskan wilderness and protect its people, can only be won… On Deadly Ground

Forrest Taft is a guy who takes sides. Be glad he’s on yours.

The roughest of Alaska’s oil rig roughnecks, Taft specializes in fighting oil well fires. Yet he faces an even more incendiary battle when he confronts renegade Aegis oil president Michael Jennings (Michael Caine?!?!). Jennings and his cronies have put profits over environmental safety. And they’ve put Taft, a Native Alaskan activist and anyone else who opposes them on their hit list.

But Taft is back, using the martial arts, survival and explosive skill he learned as a high level CIA operative. Going one on one, or one on 20, Taft lets the Aegis bullyboys know where they stand: mess with the land he loves and they’re On Deadly Ground.

Undercover has never run so deep … Fire Down Below

Below the surface, the earth burns. You wouldn’t know it from looking at the peaceful Appalachian hill of Jackson, Kentucky. And you won’t hear about it from the locals. They’ve been bought off. Or scared into silence. Meanwhile, the toxins being dumped into the abandoned mines could turn Jackson into a wasteland if someone doesn’t stop it. Someone’s going to.

Action hero Steven Seagal headlines Fire Down Below, a thunderous eco-thriller. Seagal plays plays EPA Marshal Jack Taggert. It’s his job to ferret out who’s responsible for poisoning the land. When thugs try to take him out of action, Taggert adds another line of work to his resume. He’s in the butt-kicking business. Business is good.

Under Siege

“Die Hard on a battleship”-L.A. Times

It’s not a job. It’s an adventure! Steven Seagal comes aboard and comes on strong, combining humor and heroics in a fireball of a movie.

The excitement starts when the USS Missouri welcomes aboard the musicians and caterers set to provide entertainment during the famed battleship’s last voyage. The visitors throw a party, all right. A war party. Led by a rogue CIA operative and a turncoat officer, they’re really killer elite commandos out to hijack the ship’s nuclear arsenal. They overpower the crew. Except for one man.

“I’m just a cook,” that man says. But he’s a cook with a recipe for action. He’s ex Navy SEAL and highly decorated combat operative Casey Ryback. Relying on his slam-bang martial arts skills and equipped with enough hardware to single handedly wage World War III, Ryback turns the decks and below deck areas into guerrilla combat zones. All hands ready, action fans!

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

“Die Hard on a train”-L.A. Times

The man who rocked the boat in Under Siege now powers ahead like a locomotive! A renegade electronics wiz and his mercenary army have commandeered the sleek Grand Continental passenger train, transforming it into a rolling command unit for an awesome weapons satellite. Their plan is ingenious, but not flawless. Because the one passenger who eludes capture is Ryback.

Suddenly the train is more than a control center. It’s a battleground. Ryback hits, runs, then reemerges in another car to fight again. All of his skills come into play. But can he work fast enough? The satellite is locked onto its target. And the Grand Continental is barreling toward and oncoming freight train hauling gasoline. All Aboard!

Well, that’s about all I can handle for now. For me, I can’t wait to watch these again. I’m just so damned pumped from the synopsis. Stay tuned for more action packed, hard hitting movie summaries to come!

Update: This is the voice over equivalent.

It’s not a job – it’s an adventure!

-Charlie

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