Monthly Archives: April 2009

The Worst Obama Speech Ever?

Usually, the little things that keep me going are happy, fun little bits of life that I can personally cling to for hope and respite.

But today, the thing that keeps me going is strangely awkward and fails quite magnificently.

As an A/V technician, the opening of this video is a nightmare for me. We’re talking about worst case/ bail out/ run for the hills scenario. I know it’s just an Easter egg thing, but the mics! Turn on the fucking mics! So glad that wasn’t me. If you’ve ever been in charge of making sure an important person is heard, and they’re not heard? You know what I’m talking about.
And then you have Obama, a wonderfully talented speaker if nothing else, stammer and “ummm” his way through what should be a breeze, a piece of cake, a slam dunk introduction.

Does anyone really think that his… and his wife’s… and the whole family’s… hearts are filled with “a whole lot of joy?”
Wait, did he just say “Fergie” and “National Anthem” in the same sentence? Yes. Yes he did. Skip ahead about 30 seconds, and prepare to feel fuckin’ patriotic.

Sing it girl!

And I love, just love, Michelle Obama. “We don’t have tennis. It’s on the tennis court.”

AKA  “Shut the FUCK up, kid.” What a happy family.

In all honesty though? It could have been worse.


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The Mall Cop Dilemma


This week has given us a new movie about a mall cop. The film, Observe and Report, brings with it a bit of a dilemma for movie going audiences. It’s not about the talent in front of or behind the camera. Both Seth Rogen and Ray Liotta star, while new, but already proven, director and writer Jody Hill runs the show.

See The Foot Fist Way Now.

"Your weakness is disgusting to me"

"Your weakness is disgusting to me"

And audiences surely have no reservations against a dark comedy that boasts jokes about bi-polar disorder and date rape?! Right?  Who cares? They don’t care.

They only have one teensy tiny hesitation keeping them from watching this thing. They just saw this movie two months ago.


It was called Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and it was the number one box office movie for two weeks in February. So. . .  now there’s another one?

Another movie with another overweight protagonist who takes his (easily mocked) station in life too seriously for those around him until actual evil strikes and he is left alone (at least in his mind) to uphold a moral code (only he knows) and bring about a unique brand of (bad ass) justice?

And only two months later?

Don’t Holly wood studios tell each other what they are doing from time to time?

“Hey Jim, it’s Bob at Paramount. Just wanted to tell you we’re doing a movie about a cop in a mall.”

“Oh really Bob? Cause we here at MGM were going to do a cop in a mall thing too. Shame. Well, we’ll put it on the back burner for TWO MONTHS. That should give those drooling creatons enough time to allow real life to seep out any memory of your movie, so ours will still be a hit.”

“Great idea Jim! Say, we’ll keep our Adam Sandler/ Eddie Murphy/ Bredan Fraser as a father whose imaginary stories comes true movie in the can for half a year. Then our completely similar movie will also be a success. I love making movies!”

How could this happen? It’s the same movie, albeit with a radically different tone and comedic styling-mostly. I understand that OAR is nothing like PB:MC in a lot of major ways. In fact, I’m sure of it. But in the end it’s the same basic sum-it-up-in-two-words premise, mall cops.

And thus we have ourselves A Mall Cop Dilemma.

Now this dilemma is not reserved for two movies about mall cops alone. No, no, no. This dilemma is far reaching and oddly omnipresent these days in movies, they can and will affect any kind of genre or premise. In fact, this dilemma has popped up several times throughout recent film history.

Here’s a list of some Deja vu inducing coincidences in film releases. You already know the first on the list, it might be the most famous double-vision film making of all time.


Armageddon vs. Deep Impact

These movies were released less than two months apart in the Summer of 1998. It was a time of roaring blockbusters produced by Jerry Brukheimer and directed by Michael Bay. One’s without robots or Shia Labeouf.

A simpler time when Tea Leoni could star in a movie, Morgan Freeman could portray a black president (O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!) and Elijah Wood’s voice and looks had been adorably stalled in a seemingly never ending bout of childhood immortality.

These films had in common: Space rock headed towards Earth. Only option is manned flight with nukes, spacemen sacrifice much, including life to save planet, planet is saved-unless you count the east coast in Deep Impact. But believe you me, had Robert Duvall or Bruce Willis not gone up, shit woulda impacted even deeper!

The differences come in tone and characters. We have DI’s trained crew; selfless, dedicated, the best of the best. Armageddon (who I’ll now call geddy) hosts a darn tootin’, highfalutin’ squally gag of misfits, delinquents and perverts. And Steve Buscemi.

So, who won? I mean, which one is better? These are natural questions to ask of two obviously competitive options vying for the public’s money. Hence the Dilemma.

My vote goes to Geddy. Yeah, I know. I am a sucker fro two things. Crazy Russian Cosmonauts who look like scary pancake loving guys from Fargo, and Steve Buscemi. Love that Rocket Gun ridin’ sumbitch!


Dante’s Peak vs. Volcano

What is really so crazy about whole the Armageddon/ Deep Impact thing is that this exact scenario played out for the studios only ONE YEAR prior. You would have thought the embarrassment over the feud between lava spiller Volcano and smoke blower Dante’s Peak would have erupted a little common sense. But this disaster was largely overlooked in 1997. DP was released in February and Volcano (who I’ll call Volly) came the following April. WTF??!!

In both films we have protagonists who cry wolf, but no one listens until it’s too late. Then we get a series of near misses and a couple of gotcha’s that sum up into a “run away from danger” type of movie.

The only difference in these movies comes in location and characters, but really the movies are, again, the same. DP takes place in a smaller community, which happens to sit next to a long dormant volcano who decides to UNdormant itself and erupt! Pretty boy Peirce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton star in this for some reason, but really anyone would have sufficed.

Volcano actually goes for a Predator 2 angle on this one. “The Volcano’s in L.A. with a few days to kill.” Tommy Lee Jones wakes up to find himself fire chief at a time when molten lava is coming down Sunset Blvd. Then we get an hour and a half of the magma. It’s oozing everywhere.  I thought of The Blob several times throughout, just a slow menacing force that is seemingly unstoppable and devours everything in it’s path. This kind of made the movie creepier, liquid rock like some molten slug of death, and the mid-to-late 90’s special effects just made it look all synthetic and plasticy, which only creeped me out more. Damn!

So who won this one? Besides saying “Mother Earth”, I will just go ahead and vote for Volly. Only cause I like his little nickname more. Oh, Volly.


Mission To Mars vs. Red Planet

OK, in fairness there was a whole 8 months in between these movies. But these two share so much in common, even besides the whole mars thing, that it makes me wonder if there was some down right plagiarism going on. I mean, 8 months is close, but not so close that Red Planet’s crew couldn’t have been all, “I like that Mission to Mars. Much better than our crap. Let’s borrow some their shtick.” Just look at those posters. Same friggin’ posters even.

And MTM and RP share soo much more alike, I don’t know where to begin. Let’s try.

1) Mars, and people on it. And *spoiler alert* aliens already on it.

2) Bad shit goes down. People lost. Reasons unknown.

3) Rescue mission also goes hay wire. More bad shit, none of it making any sense.

4) Complete lack of knowledge about anything space or Martian related. Total loss of reason and character over course of events.

What really worries me is that both of these movies had real talent, but both failed. Brain De Palma (Scarface, Carrie) directed MTM and RP’s screenwriter wrote Hard Target and Navy Seals. We gotta winner! But the real problem for both of these movies comes down to the science of it all.

MTM concerns it’s plot with the famous face on Mars, the image that looked like a human face on the surface of the planet and therefore lead to speculation of intelligent life. Well, only a month after this movie was released, scientists confirmed what we already could have told you from looking at the picture. It wasn’t a face. Not close. Not even a little.

So the aliens on Mars with all this technology to create Martian twisters and faces and shit is baloney. But, both movies do this. Both have genetecists getting simple DNA stuff wrong. Both have goofs about air pressure and gravity and atmospheres. And all the “Hey, we can breathe cause there’s air on Mars” stuff just irritates me.

RP was even worse at this. They claim in that flick that since the air (there is none) on Mars is 99% Oxygen (it’s not) it is breathable. Do you know how much Oxygen is in our atmosphere? I looked it up. It’s 20%. Our atmosphere is mostly Nitrogen. Weird, huh? So at 99% Oxygen, we can’t breathe. It’s too much O2. Too damn much. Plus, Oxygen is explosive. Any ignition of flame on Mars and the whole thing goes up like a bomb. A really big, red bomb. Like this movie.

Neither movie wins here. Get your facts straight, Science Fiction without the science is useless to me. Ya bein’ ignorant.


Tombstone Vs. Wyatt Earp

Tombstone was released Christmas day in 1993. A real family movie for the holidays. At least there was a character named Holiday. That’s right. Making his second appearance on this post, let’s give it up for Val Kilmer. Besides Red Planet, Kilmer acted his ass off in Tombstone, giving an actually great performance as the irreverent gun fighter. You had Kurt Russell as Earp, Bill Paxton, (Wait he was in Predator 2. Does that count as a second appearance?) even Charlton “cold dead hands” Heston.

Great gun fight, bad mother fucker mustaches, lots of intimidating walking. Not too shabby.

What? You want another one? How about instead of all the action and “I’ll be your Huckleberry” awesomeness, we give you an ultra emotional, slow as all Hell, Costner at the height of his silliness starring drama. Released the following June (six months later) it was simply titled Wyatt Earp. Brilliant.

Basically the difference is in the emotional effects the movies try to instill on the audience. One wants you to feel like you’re there, sitting with them, dramtically pausing and eyeballing each other. The other wants you to like watching douche bags get shot by non douche bags. It comes down to that. Not much left to say on this one, but I would have to go with Tombstone, if only for the stache bash going on in that one. Epic stashes of attitude.

I could talk on and on about other cases of this Dilemma popping up, but I think you get the idea. In the comments please add any double movie dilemmas you particularly like. Let me know. I think this could be interesting.

Stayed tuned for my full length Mall Cop throwdown. Where I pit Paul Blart against whatever the Hell Seth Rogan’s character’s name is. It’s sure to be a knockdown drag out battle of badges down to the last. I just have see Observe and Report first. Off to the theater!



Filed under Films I've Watched

Whats Wrong With This Title? Dragonball Evolution

Actually, what isn’t wrong with any part of this movie? I feel it is my duty to officially call bullshit on this upcoming Dragonball movie. This, like the American made Speed Racer before it and Astro Boy after, is what’s wrong with movies today. Who keeps thinking up this stuff?

First off, I did partake in my fair share of Dragonball, and Dragonball Z growing up. It was on, I watched, I moved on. It had great anime style, whacked out characters, and a never ending supply of “WHHAAAAUUUGGHHH” type yelling to brighten any child’s mid after school doldrums. But ultimately I forgot about it. So I really had not taken any interest in this movie until watching a trailer today. And then it hit me, like a fireball courtesy of Vegeta himself; this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen (and i have seen many a dumb thing).


A brief list of complaints:

Goku looks terrible! The kid from War of the Worlds? Why? Did anyone watch the Japanese show before casting?

Lord Piccolo looks worse! Fucking Spike from Buffy? You know I hate that. This movie is boiling my blood. What else you got?

Chow Yun-Fat? Stop it. Stop it right now movie. I swear, I’ll scream. I’ll scream so loud they’ll think you’re killing me. Stop it! I have pepper spray!

This is hands down the worst casting I have seen since Southland Tales. Plus, it looks like they screwed everything up about the characters, settings, plot. Everything.

But the one aspect of this movie that first caught my eye was just in the name. We are talking about a movie, the first in a series presumably, and they have titled it:

Dragonball Evolution

Quite simply movie, you can NOT do this. It is against the rules. I’d say illegal. You can’t have the first movie of any series or any original film with a title like “Evolution”. You can’t do it.

At best this title belongs to a crappy movie sequel. Or even video game sequel. Or even a concert film. Yea, I’d even OK it in a concert about a well respected and well established musical performer.


There is only one movie that gets to have the word “Evolution” in it’s title. And that’s the movie Evolution! And even then I’m mostly against it.

Dear Dragonball producers/directors/execs, you have not only declared yourselves incompetent as filmmakers, but incompetent just as film watchers.

We need to be able to punish these people. And I know I haven’t seen it and blah, blah, but if it looks like shit, smells like shit, and leaves a stain on your moral undies . . . Please do not see this poor excuse of a film. It doesn’t care about you, the audience, don’t you care about it. And while I’m still hedging my bets on Astro Boy, I can already tell you the proposed Akira will be inciting a similar rant from me in a year from now.

There’s kids starving in Africa, movie. And this is the best you and your million dollar budget could do? Damn you, Dragonball Evolution. Damn you. These people would have made a better movie than you. Seriously.



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