Films I’ve Watched: Bail Out (watched 1/05/09)

Oh. My. God.

So my mom has this running gag where every Christmas she buys me the worst movie she can find at the stores. Real funny. Past entries have included Ang Lee’s Hulk (since I love Jennifer Connelly and for some reason told mom this), the abysmal Bubble Boy, and He-Man and the Masters of the Universe cartoons. All in all, they really could be worse movies, and I have told mom this, egging her on to outdo herself one year with a truly hideous, unspeakable piece of film.

Well mom, hats off. You did it. You finally did it.

The film I received in the mail this year was none other than Bail Out.

How bad is it? Well, it stars this man…the-hoff2I know. I’m scared too, Davey.

Seriously, my mom can be so cruel. She knew I would have to watch this. She knew I couldn’t resist. Why?

First thing I did was to look up this movie on IMDB. It wasn’t there. I could not find it. Not on Hasselhoff’s page, not on the director, Max Kleven’s page. Nothing. Then I noticed something. It had a different name on IMDB. What in the Hell…?

Apparently, this movie is also known as, wait for it, wait for it,

W.B., Blue, and the Bean

I don’t get it. The title is obviously Bail Out, right?bail-out-poster1

Of course it is…You don’t have two titles for a movie. That would just be ridiculous, right?

wbblueandthebean2

OK, two titles. Fine. Whatever you say. At least it’s ended with that. So you have two titles. Could be worse.

bail-out-alternate-title-wings-of-freedom

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?  A THIRD TITLE? GET IT TOGETHER MOVIE!

I haven’t even watched this thing yet and already I’m mortified by what I’m seeing! So, besides alternate names and the Hoff’s raging mullet, what else does this thing have going for it?

The back of the box tells me this much, “International action star David Hasselhoff stars in this action comedy about three bumbling bounty hunters on the trail of an escaped daughter of a millionaire.” A few issues with this:

1. International action star? Who are they kidding? I’m sorry, but driving a smart ass car and running down the beach carrying a floaty does not an action star make.

2. The daughter is kidnapped, btw, not escaped.

3. I am hard, hard pressed to call this film either action or comedy, unless aqua marine jumpsuits and racial stereotypes are comedy. Which I guess they are. Moving on.

This film was made in 1988 or so, peak Hoff times, I’m sure, but really I’ve never seen an episode of either Knight Rider or Baywatch, I just never got that chance. Too young? Maybe. Uninterested? There ya go.

So this thing starts off with some jamming 80’s music and the title, Bail Out. Clearly marked in yellow letters, right up front. Bail Out, Not W.B and the whatever. Bail Out!

I really need to emphasize this.

We see a bail bondsman, an obvious cheapskate and all around prick, driving to work and complaining about the lack of business to his associate, a real Lennie Small of a buffoon, who insists on staring straight into the camera as he’s guffawing! Look away, you moron, you’re breaking the fourth wall!

These two wholly unlikable characters finally get a call about a big bail, the daughter of the millionaire, in prison for riding around with a drug dealer. Booya! Now we’re going somewhere.

Cut to some black guy in a Raider’s jacket collecting the bounty on a guy in a boxing ring. Okay, not sure what that’s all about. Turns out this is Blue, a bounty hunter played by Tony Brubaker. You know Tony as “Man on Subway” in Die Hard 3. Or maybe as “Challenger” in Rocky 3. Or …OK you don’t know Tony. But rest assured, he’s an actor and he’s in this movie.

Next we cut to a Mexican family sitting in the kitchen. This is where the brunt of the racism comes into play. The family is ten kids strong, sitting on fridges and under tables, all stereotyped and really vulgarly displayed. The papa, a bounty hunter named Casper “Bean” Garcia (Yes I know, it’s racist) is played by Thomas Rosales Jr. You may know Thomas as the “Armored Truck Driver” in Heat, or maybe as “Chet” in Robocop 2. He’s a bit more familiar, but most of his roles are uncredited. So, good for you Thomas, you’re a sort of a titular character in this one, albeit an alternate title.

These two guys and Hasselhoff eventually team up to get the girl. She’s out on bail, but immediately, and I mean immediately kidnapped. Off the Court House steps immediately. Where are the cops?

She is played by none other than Linda Blair. Wait, what?

Seriously, Linda “your mother sucks cocks in Hell” Blair. OK. I can get behind that, I guess.

She’s kidnapped by the Colombians, who are holding her ransom for all the coke they lost when the car she was riding in got busted by the cops. Seems it was a set up by Iranian competitors and Blair was innocently getting a ride with the unfortunate Colombian who got busted. Oh, and there was about $5 Million in coke in the guys trunk. Good play by the Iranians.

Wow. That’s quite a plot you got there movie.

The Hoff and the other two dimwits are on her trail and they eventually track her to a warehouse. Posing as gas men, they blow up part of the warehouse as a distraction, I think, and drive straight into the Colombian’s hideout. There nothing is resolved, as the Colombians escape with Blair and the Hoff chases them down, again. There’s some car chases and explosions, but it’s all done very cheaply. A close up of a tire getting shot out. Guys who have no blood or bullet holes in them when they get mowed down. Far away cameras catching pretty tepid action scenes.

The Hoff tracks them down and actually rescues Blair. Oh, by the way. I forgot to mention this until now. Hoff’s character is affectionately nicknamed White Bread, or W.B. Mystery of the alternate title solved, let’s continue.

Hoff (W.B.)  and Blair stop at a motel so she can shower (her idea) The Hoff is greeted at the counter by a FULL FRONTAL NAKED WOMAN. Geez movie, its bad enough that these guys are constantly meeting in a seedy strip joint with saggy butts and G-Strings in the foreground, but this is just too  blatant. I get it, it’s one of those motels. Is this part of the comedy?

While Blair’s in the shower, the Hoff starts thinking, “Hey this might not be so bad.” So he gets in the shower afterward, meanwhile Blair runs off with his clothes and his red Chrysler convertible. And I would like to note that the Hoff has been discretely following people this whole movie in a cherry red, top down, Chrysler convertible. Has this movie ever seen a bounty hunter?

Now the Hoff is forced to team up with Blue and the Bean again. (I can’t believe I’m actually typing these words) and they go after Linda Blair AGAIN. All this after a brief scene of Hoff in a towel covered in little hearts. Ha ha?

Guess what, she gets kidnapped. This time by the head of the Colombian cartel, Zalazar, played by Gregory Scott Cummings. You may know Gregory as Mac’s dad in “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” Here, he’s basically the same character only with a tan, Vanilla Ice hair and a smooooth Colombian accent.

By the way, all the comedy I heard about is basically Hoff saying things like, “just another day at the office” and the Bean confusing tennis terms.  Just so you know. NOT funny, movie.

So Zalazar takes Blair to Mexico! Now the real racism begins. Our bounty hunter trio follows the gang to Mexico, and greets such memorable stereotypes as the Mariachi guy, the banditos and Danny Trejo.

Danny Trejo?

Awesome! This movie just got kinda good, what with Trejo and all. Oh wait, he’s already gone. Three lines and he’s out. What a waste.

Hoff allows himself to be caught by Zalazar to get to Blair while the other two, with a toolbox full of guns and grenades, wait on the outskirts of the camp. At dawn there’s an attack, as the Bean slingshots grenades at various empty shacks, with dead aim mind you, and the Hoff and Blair run for it. They get some horses and shoot it out with some more faceless stereotypes, all with ZERO blood split. Oh, they kill ’em all right. But the invisible bullets apparently cause invisible bullet holes. Makes sense to me.

There’s a final fight, in which the Hoff takes down a helicopter with a flare gun! Seriously. He shoots a flare at a helicopter and the whole thing blows up in an enormous fireball. Wow. Just wow.

Now the trio gets in a plane, sure why not, and starts to head back to America. They’re negotiating payment for the rescue with their awful bail bondsman boss, when Blair tips them off to the cool ten million dollars stashed at the hideout. You didn’t want to share that with us when we were AT THE HIDEOUT?! The movie ends with them all laughing it up as they head back to get the money and kill more Mexicans. That’s it. End of movie.

While the credits roll, I clearly pick up a theme song playing, with a sultry female lead singing about W.B., Blue, and the Bean. That’s funny. A second rate movie like this with a theme song. And the theme’s got the same chorus as the fake title. And then. . . . . . . (extra dots added for effect)

The final title appears. You know how sometimes a movie will repeat the title after all the credits? Like displaying “Shreck 2” at the very end just to hammer the point home that you’ve wasted an hour and a half of your short, meager life watching Shreck 2 and every credit until the tape finally gives up and dies. Well this one does it too. ONLY IT HAS THE ALTERNATE TITLE.

The fucker comes up as W.B., Blue, and the Bean! Shit!

Two titles displayed in one movie. This is unforgivable. I can take the lame one liners, the pointless and dull action, even the Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil level of confused casting, but this? I have had it movie. You’re dead to me. Dead.

Never speak to me again. Damn you Hoff

-Charlie

davidhasselhoffsaysyousuck

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